I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he’ll only lose it.

Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can’t even.

I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn’t pay too well But the tips are huge!!

They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

What did the hamburger say when it pleaded ‘not guilty’? I’ve been flamed!

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

I voted for Jill Stein Finally I’m part of the 1%