I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.

What was Hitler’s last two words? Oy Vey!

Follow your dreams. Unless you’re a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That’s dangerous, dude.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I’ve taken a Tern for the Wurst

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline… Apparently it’s only for “victims”.

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag…