Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can’t elope.

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic…..but do it on a bus and the judge doesn’t agree.

Subway’s Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants… …now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.

My friend asked me… My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it’s 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

Just once I’d like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

“I’ll be a dentist. Then they’ll love me.” “We’re terrified of dentists.” “I’ll kill a lion!” “It was a beloved lion with a name.” “Dammit.”

I’m never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I’ll suck yo dick for a Upvote