Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.

If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning… Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

An infectious disease enters a bar… the bartender says,”we dont serve your kind here”. The disease replies, “well you’re not a very good host!”

What’s a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine’s Day.

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.

Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn’t really make sense… You could say it was a vague rant.

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.