I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.

Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] “why isn’t he wearing a shirt” we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they’re working. I call it “cooking”

Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me)

Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson to the Department of Education, but I think he would do better in the FDA He can feed everyone with all of the grain in those pyramids.

What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it “an apology”? “Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”

Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.

Ever since the news came out about Samsung…. Their phones have been blowing up.

Dog’s Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.