What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.

“911, what’s your emergency?” Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

Here’s two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.

*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve

If your’e anxious and you know it….. …clasp your hands.

A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, “Do you have any luggage?”. “No,” says the photon, “I’m traveling light.”

If you hear the words “oh yeah, suck it” coming from my bedroom, it’s probably just me vacuuming.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.