[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample … … I said ” Doc, I can speed this along – I’ll just leave you my underwear !”

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game? Before first period

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

I know dream catchers don’t work because I’ve never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.

If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe — if it was quicksand.

Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

How do you make an Amish woman happy? Three Men-A-Night

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd