I’m ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.

how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)

A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says “Shit, some asshole took my pen!”

What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!

If these walls could talk I’d fuckin’ move out immediately.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I’m a poofreader.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs… One says to the other “should we stop and outnumber them?” …   “keep running you fool we’re brothers!!”