What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!

Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, “Please put a load in the washer”

What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them

What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon…

HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous. HER: You’re sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.