Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.

Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.

First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing… H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!

If chopsticks were really better than a fork… …wouldn’t we be digging ditches with pool cues?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?

Shoutout to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is. I’ll give you some time for this one.

I submitted 10 of my best puns to a Joke competition expecting at least 1 to win, but… No pun in ten did..

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? “It’s a Moray.”