I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don’t have Windows.

Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica

What do you call a number that won’t sit still? A roamin’ numeral. 😛

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I’ll see myself out.

How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They’re both fucking close to water.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar… Who talks more?

FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.

You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night….I could see it in her eyes

My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.