You’re so fat and unfunny… that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.

so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!

[sees a zebra for the first time] What’s up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn’t understand the difference between a professional “colorist” and a professional “racist”

I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

What’s a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.