Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

Dear President Obama, I’ve got a joke for you… I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you… *get it*?

My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.

Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA

What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don’t Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? “Hey, can you help me pack my shit?”

Why can’t a bike stand on it’s own? Because it is two tired.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.