If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot.” you are wasting everybody’s time.

What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

“What’s that?” A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

This morning I had a swollen testicle. “I’d have simply preferred toast,” I told my wife.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? …because he’s too short to be called an essay.

Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart … even if it isn’t Messi.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake