“Update the Force, young Skywalker” Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

When my wife takes a nap, it’s “desperately needed rest.” When I do, it’s “lazy chauvinist party-time.”

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that’s why restaurants never serve them together.

I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who’s there? The chicken

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it’s actually Clinton any second now

[car wreck] [hand reaches out] “Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.” [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

What was the name of Paul Revere’s favorite porno mag? The British are Coming