How do you know if your wine was made in the 90’s? It smells like teen spirit.

You know what the definition of “competitive” is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

You know… When someone says to you “Jesus loves you.” It’s always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

What’s the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One’s a Cunt and the other has nice hair.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-” “A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. “A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.