Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.

What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they’re both stuck-up cunts.

What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

My ex-wife still misses me… But her aim is gettin better.

Why don’t most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.

I have a degree in men’s studies. It’s called “world history”. #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN’T STUMP THE TRUMP!

Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.