“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

I’m terrible at telling jokes… I always punch up the fuck lines

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Why were the baker’s hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.

I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.

What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 “humorists”. 2/3rds of a person? Really?