Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He’s a small medium at large.

Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won’t be a dry seat in the cinema.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

What’s Al-Qaeda’s favorite American football team? The New York jets.

Before I destroy a wasp’s nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.

Ted Cruz getting elected.

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

Which gospel contains Jesus’ parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.

Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.

A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down