My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I’ll deal with him later.

“That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!” women

How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? ‘Cause they are freaking good at it

Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding… Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh