So I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

When is a Mexican not a Mexican? When he’s an alien! I’ll see myself out now

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

“Hey buddy, what’s up?!!” — short honk “I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE” — long honk

I like my women like I like my coffee… With no pubes.

What’s the difference… …between Mick Jagger and an angry Scotsman? One says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud!” The other says “Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

If you throw a stick of butter out the window what would you call it? A Butterfly!

What’s the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?

There once was a man from Kent, Whose cock was extraordinarily bent, To save himself the trouble, He’d put it in double, And instead of coming he went.