Nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the waiting room, but he has an appointment.

How many pornstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know… I skipped the intro.

If you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anyone who offers you a chair because standing is fucking exhausting.

Waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Force of habit sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok

Kindergarten reunion??!?!?! I’ve gained like 100 pounds since then. No way I’m showing up!!!!

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

What do Vietnamese historians and Southern rednecks have in common? They both care way too much about the uc Dynasty.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

I’d hate to give a speech to nudists because I’d be nervous and then I’d have to imagine them without their skin on and skeletons are scary.