Not silicone A woman got wooden breast implants. This would be so much funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.

WAITER: Would you like any dessert? DATE: No, just the ch- ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

A protestor shouted, “Trump will make America worse for Gays, Jews, Blacks, Muslims, and Latinos!” A Trump supporter shouted back, “That’s not true…” “…he won’t make it worse for Jews!”

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Did you hear the joke about the pedophile with a Mexican fetish? He only wanted a little Juan.

1. Get preg 2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using Satanic alchemy 3. Give birth to yourself 4. Old body dies 5. Be a baby

I hate going to pancake houses because it just reminds me that I bought a stupid, non-delicious house.

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease

I’ve got a friend who’s a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.