What did the astronaut get instead of athlete’s foot? Missile Toe

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

I asked my band teacher to raise my F He gave me an FF instead.

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

Pig’s explanation for the creation of the Universe: The Pig Bang Theory.

I don’t really like abortion jokes. The delivery is always sloppy.

Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger

How many teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you need a really big lightbulb.

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

[call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.