Took my dog to a bonfire… …and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already. Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid… I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

How come ambassadors never get sick? They have diplomatic immunity.

Went to England and asked a local how Britt he was He said “I’m Britt-ish”

I’m not bad with names, it’s just that you leave absolutely no impression on people.

When comparing men to women, you’ll notice there’s a vas deferens between the two.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean? Him: …… Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Sequencing. What’s the key to a good joke?