When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn’t see a single ninja. Impressive.

What was the last thing the Australian terrorist said. KoALLAH AKBAR.

I’m more afraid of the shitty music my family is going to play at my funeral than I am of dying.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

What do you call a black guy on the moon? An astronaut, you racist.

80% of making $120 million is just showing up.

Here Here Here Here Here Here Here -1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

A mug of beer walks into a bar… The bartender sees him and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve alcoholic drinks here.” A rift in the space-time continuum is created as the bar ceases to exist.

What’s the world’s most dangerous city? Electricity

Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend