My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I’ll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

Accidentally sharing porn I have accidentally posted porn on my science blog. My readers must be thinking hard about my content.

An old Chinese saying: If the dog is barking, you didn’t cook it enough.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data….

Once I threw a Boomerang but it didn’t come back Now I live in fear

Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

what did the hat say to the other hat? “you go on ahead.” I’d like to thank Twitternation, Steve Wozniak, Adam Schefter, @MattGroening and anyone else who helped me achieve this great feat!

Why does a midget laugh while running Because the grass tickles his balls