[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds [suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine [dog cop] Jim he has a point

A jewish kid asks his dad for $5…. The Dad says, “$4!? I don’t have $3! What do you need $2 for??

If the creator of facebooks likes getting hurt… Is he a zucker for pain?

My wife and I have lost over 150lbs combined!!! …hustling British casinos wasn’t as easy as we’d hoped.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost so he went up to a policeman and said “I’ve lost my dad!” The policeman said “What’s he like?” Little Johnny replied “Beer and women!”

What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off and apologize.

Where do you weigh a whale? At a whale weigh station

“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb? [removed]