Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

A man walks into a cafe… splash!

GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

A ghost couple were arguing… “I don’t believe a single word you tell me,” the ghost girlfriend said to her ghost boyfriend, “I can see right through you!”

I had a dream where I was in a fight with Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Private Ryan. I’m finally battling my Damons.

Giraffes can never be successful comedians… Their humor goes way over your head.

Women are like mechanics. I have no idea what they’re talking about.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life it’s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”