I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.

Have you tried that new cocktail called Hurricane Sandy? It’s just a watered down Manhattan.

Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?

Why did the hipsters die of dehydration? They stayed away from the mainstream.

Just asked Siri. “Surely it’s not going to rain today?” She said “it will, and don’t call me Shirley” …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

What do neutrinos and I have in common? We’re always penetrating your mom

Do you guys know what a minstrel cycle is? A bicycle for musicians.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.

So I accidentally sent nudes to everyone in my address book. Worst part about it? Cost me a small fortune in postage stamps.