Im getting tired of your Barenaked Ladies marathon. It’s been one week since you looked at me.

How do you confuse a man? You don’t – they’re born that way.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!” She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.” Why?

I’d tell you a joke about my penis. . . But it’s too short & not many people get it.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Which of our meaty friends are into astrology? Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated. I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

What does a cow say in the winter? I’m udderly freezing!

In grammar school, most unplanned pregnancies happen early on …before anyone knows how to use the colon.