religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

My teenage daughter is very odd She literally can’t even.

Medical prices these days are ridiculous Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.

And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have! *Wolf just starts crying*

I’m not saying I hate you but if you were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

What’s the difference between a kinky guy and a pervert? “The kinky guy uses the feather but the pervert uses the whole chicken” As told to me by the old guy who sat next to me on the plane

What is Batman’s favourite hair product? Conditioner Gordon.

What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints? an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.

1 out of 10 dentists doesn’t care what you brush with, he just wants to fondle you while you’re gassed.