Did you hear the one about the iphone 7 headphone jack? [Removed]

I got arrested… I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the 90s.”

Scary: A wolf chasing you Scarier: A werewolf chasing you Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

What do you call an owl who does magic? WHO-DINI

What did one paedophile say to the other? Swap you two fives for a ten

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

What did one sailor say to the other on Dec. 7 1941? There’s a little nip in the air.

Whats a rapists perfect date? Netflix and kill.

[USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.” M: I live there now. C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay