TIL that humanity’s new form of communication is acronyms What does FTFY even mean? I swear to god people abuse acronyms so much.

Onion is not the only thing that makes you cry! My friend thinks he is smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face and he began to cry. haha

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout! wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

The number 13579 walks into a bar… barman says “sorry, can’t serve you, you’re too odd”

What’s the difference between a gay guy and Hitler? About 45 degrees

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

there should be 1 line at every store for people who have their shit together

What a time to be alive! Right now.

My sex life is like a Ferrari I don’t have one 🙁