How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

May I hold your baby? May I throw her across the room into that pile of empty boxes? Okay, I’ll just hold her then.

My 6 year old son told me this, “what did one ocean say to the other?”. Nothing, he just waved.

A Jewish girl says to her dad “Dad, I need fifty dollars.” Her dad looks at her and says “Forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?”

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

Darth Vader should’ve married… A woman named Ella

It’s truly amazing what Abraham Lincoln accomplished while wearing such a big stupid hat.