What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.

There should be an app that, in the event of your death, your phone will seek the nearest toilet & submerge itself, destroying all evidence

Marriage If a couple gets married in Alabama… And divorced in Mississippi… Are they still brother and sister?

Why are horses so negative? Because they’re nay sayers.

I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.

Why does China hate Digimon Fans? Because they recognise Ty won

Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science

My dad hit my with this one: His belt.

Who was the first person Aaron Hernandez called after the shooting? Wes Welker. Everyone knows you need a white Bronco to get away with murder.

It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred.