Cavemen were smarter than we think. Do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair? It was so they wouldn’t fill up with rocks.

Warning, Condoms aren’t totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your lifestyle

Your mom is like Reddit always under a heavy load

Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.

I joined a 12 step program for people who talk too much. Its called OnAndOnAnon

I wonder how many husbands out there are frantically scribbling “free hug coupons” right now because they forget to get their wife a gift.

What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.