I’ve heard seven cancer jokes today… If I hear tumor, it’s gonna benign.

Why won’t Santa be visiting Nigel Farage this year? He only comes if you sleep, not if Ukip.

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2. Passed over for promotion time and time again.

I’m not gonna partake in this “I hate Monday morning” thing because I hate all work days equally.

If Billy Joel made a Christmas movie, what would it be called? Miracle On 52nd Street

I used to be addicted to soap… but now I’m clean.

What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood? A match made in Heaven.

What did the confused Mackem say when he discovered that he was smack bang in the middle of Newcastle? I’m in the middle of *no Wear*

Father and son standing outside the elephant’s cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son “If we stand around here long enough one of them will throw some food at us.”

Porn stars’ favorite drink? 7-Up ‘n cider.