Just farted in my cat’s face. That’s what we call a power move, gentlemen.

Women’s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

This guy named Bill keeps sending me letters Says I owe him money or something

The bassist walked past the bar.

I’m just me looking for fun

How many more times will I watch “A Walk To Remember” tonight? As Mandy Moore times as I want to.

why can’t conservatives work at a checkout counter? Because they don’t like change…

I’m not popular, but I have nice friends. I’m not rich but I have what I need. I may not be liked but I know I’m loved.