I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful

If you think you’re having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

I would make a Sodium and Hydrogen joke but… The fine bros own the rights to it 🙁

What does racist matthew mcconaughey say? alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

womens rights Lol

[at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps. I was delighted.

What do you call a alligator in a vest? Investigator.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

You all know how it got started with Jared right? He walked into a Subway and asked for a sub. They said “6 or 12?” He replied with “doesn’t matter.”