My friend asked if I would stop singing Maroon 5 songs. I said: “I don’t think so.”

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.” “Ha, yeah ok.” [swaps suits] “Now we sh-” “You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

What do you call a group of birds that stick together? Vel-crows. You’re welcome.

If a cop busts you with a prostitute, slip an engagement ring on her finger & be like “Joke’s on you, bro; we’re in love!”

mom. Mom i’m going to get married. whom then. Jane form the next door. oho god.. you sure? where you going to live? Mom. Jane is Emo she doesnt want to live.

What did Clinton tell the FBI? “I did not have classified relations with that server!”

What do you call a senior citizen from Mexico? A senor citizen.

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.