Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!

Why couldn’t 5 stop drinking? Because it was 2 turnt up

Q: Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? A: They want to measure their intelligence.

My Zombie Friend was getting fat. So his doctor put him on a diet. It was a no-brainer.

See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

What do you call a clown eating a mushroom? Jeff

Scientists have reversed Global Warming! Get rekt, Sun!