Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.

If one is an expert at tying knots, one does knot simply.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open when she brings it to you

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious! Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

A polio survivor walks into a bar…… Wait I fucked it up.

A vulture boards a plane… …carrying with him two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, “I’m sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion.”

To add insult to injury… …James poured Saxa Coarse into Stephen’s wound.

Females on Facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I’ve ever met in my life.

I used the word “procreate” at work today… … and a pregnant girl asked me what it meant.

Why should you never trust atoms? They make up everything.