Date me? You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

Yesterday i met a fat chick and i fucked her in the elevator It was wrong on so many levels

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture

People who failed committing suicide… How do they live with themselves?

my parents did a terrible job of distributing my skill points

I brought my camera to a strip club for my photography project I ended up failing because everyone in my photos was over-exposed.