The woman who injected her 8-year old with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody… The child didn’t look surprised…

Sorry babe I wasn’t paying attention sorry babe I wasn’t paying attention, can you start over ? ok, from where ? 2009

Walk into a bar dressed as a bunny rabbit. Punch the first person who says something to you. You’re a wild animal.

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works Then it struck me

Pink Panther was looking for his friend’s apartment. He drives into a street and suddenly drives out. It was a Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd…

They say there is safety in numbers tell that to 6 million jews

Waking up in the middle of the night to a 4.0 earthquake is kinda awesome until you realize it was not an earthquake & what’s that smell?

What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the backyard? Shoot her again.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What’s the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? Nothing, except fairy tales start off with “Once upon a time”, and war stories start off with “No shit, this really happened”.