FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I think I’m allergic to alcohol… After about 10-12 beers, I throw up. It’s the damndest thing!

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Cokey But I turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.

Why don’t you feel the need to wear a seat belt when taking a cab? Because there is a doctor driving.

In what direction do five gay guys walk?

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson? “Please. Mr Benson was my father.” -Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people living above me are furious.