Never marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them

Why can’t you have sex after playing Assassin’s Creed? Because Ubisoft

What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me

In congested traffic, it’s best to stay on the right side of the road. It’d be a real tragedy if you were on the wrong side.

I like the alt-ending version of Se7en where there are donuts in that box and Morgan Freeman pulls a jug of cold milk out of his jacket

Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies? She was taken in by the coppers.

What’s the difference between a hockey player and my exgirlfriend? A hockey player will shower after 3 periods.

What do you call a Sandwich with legs? Bready Legs

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance. In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson