I’ve just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing. She’s behind with the laundry.

“Is this InkJet any good?” “Sure we’ve sold it to royalty” “Princesses?” “Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

Ben Carson is going to be our next president. Cause once you go black, you never go back.

What will ISIS be called once it is destroyed? WasWas

All those subreddits going private proves that Reddit’s CEO isn’t the person that should be in Pao-er

My friend is so rich He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

I hate it when people call me contrary. I am *not* contrary!

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.