What do Godzilla and shrimp have in common? They both crustaceans

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

There are three kinds of people in this world… Those who can count and those who cannot.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Stop wearing shirts that make us want to look at your titties if you don’t want us to look at your titties, because TITTIES!!

What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu

Polio walks into a bar and no one walks out.

F Scott Fitzgerald …and F the Great Gatsby as well.

What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party? Go on, have a blast.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot. Amen!