My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Q: What’s small red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator.

I will name my kid Pluto When he grow up, he will ask me, “Dad, did you name me after a planet?”. And i will be like, “No:(“

Why do we call dogs, K-9? …because K-10 is for cats.

My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he’d always say, … This two shall pass.

What did capital ‘O’ say to capital ‘Q’? “Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!”

Rihanna. Sorry, I put the punch line in the tittle.

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

What do guns and millennials have in common? You need to keep them in a safe space if you don’t want them triggered.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”